Monday, August 10, 2009

~A Broken Heart~

I love writing stories, although I mostly keep them to myself, so decided to put a part of one on here. To see what people thought, I let my sisters read them, but they aren't much help since they all agree they are wonderful.

Aaron gave a sigh, he knew he was going to hate it in Tarmin. Aaron was the only son of King Justin the X, this summer his Uncle requested that Aaron spend a fortnight with him. Aaron liked his Uncle Jessrel, he was just like Father, but things were so different in Tarmin, different customs different rules. But the main reason Aaron knew he was going to hate it here was because of his cousins Judien and Hannah Elizabeth. Judien was only three months younger than Aaron, but what he lacked in age and height he made up for in brutality and meanness. Hannah Elizabeth was twelve and half and was becoming just like her mother thinking only of parties and dresses, which disgusted Aaron. Without noticing it Aaron had been walking towards

the town arena, he stopped right in front off it. Peering into the immense structure Aaron noticed a figure practicing with a sword, curious Aaron decided to see who it was. It was a man, at least that is what Aaron thought it was, tall and slender wearing all white, he had deep intense blue eyes. Again without noticing, Aaron drew his own sword and held in his right hand. Then Clang,

Aaron found himself face to face with the white figure and he realized with a gasp he was really a she. He looked into to her eyes and seemed to see her soul, Aaron could great hurt and anger in her eyes and something else, something he couldn't describe. Pulling away he looked more closely at her, she was slender but strong to, stronger than any girl he knew, she was also proud he could tell that from the way she stood. Not the haughty tipe of proud that says ''I'm better than you are, but the proud she used to cover up something. Aaron knew that someone or something had hurt this girl, deeply. ''Who are you?'' she voice was like steel.

''My name is Aaron'' he stopped from mentioning that he Prince Aaron the III, he wanted to know this girl and he wanted her to know him as, well just Aaron not Prince.

She relaxed a little she moved away and looked at him critical. "And you what is your name?" Aaron asked.

"My name?" she got a lost far away look in her eyes "My name is Eirth"

I would love comments on this! Suggestions are most welcome. I don't really like the title so if anyone has suggestions on that I would love hear about it.


  1. Hi! Liked it except the fact that it is a little choppy... I voted on your poll. Pretty much grammar corrections and less details about him in the first paragraph might be nice... I would through those in there later... I the part where he tells Eirth his name is a good place to mention that he is a prince to your readers(like you did). I hope I'm not sounding too harsh, (I would love for some one to correct me like this) I'm thinking from perspective... I hope I've helped you! check out my story here

  2. Thank you!
    This is just what I wanted!


  3. Hey! I just found your blog and thought I'd tell you that it's awesome!
    I really like your story, a magnificent start. A few grammar corrections are needed, and I thought (if you're willing to here advice) that maybe you could state why he was walking towards the town. Don't the princes usually have body guards. Just some thoughts.
    But what I've been meaning to ask is- could you read my novel and post your thoughts and opinions. Here's the link if you want to check it out-
    I'd really love to hear from you. I also want to read more of your story, are you going to post more? I really want to read it.

  4. I just found your blog today - and I love it! I thought the story was very good. I agree with the *above* comments about punctuation and grammar, but you can always go back and change that - what matters is that the CONTENT is very, very good and also original (which is obviously important - you don't want someone to read it and think "Oh, she's just copying _____"). I would love if you would check out my blog: