I come from a very strong Catholic family, and I considered myself a strong Catholic too. I prayed with my family and went to mass every Sunday. Then I slowly drifted away. I still continued to go to mass with my family but, I no longer payed attention. I cut myself off form God.
It wasn't until last year that I realized this. All of the sudden I was hopelessly lost. All of my faith had finally left me, and I was scared and angry. There were many nights that I cried myself to sleep because I felt so alone. It's hard to explain what happened in side of my mind. For all of my angry and sadness I crept hidden deep inside, I was afraid that if my parents knew about my struggle I would be forced to learn more about my faith. It wasn't that I didn't want to, I did desperately, but I wanted to do it myself. So in my pride I struggled.
The ability to discern if my actions where right or wrong got harder and harder. Yet still I wanted help myself, God (if he was out there) didn't need to help me, I didn't need him. Finally I gave up. I gave up caring whether I was a good person or not. I just didn't care. Thankfully I didn't see that as a reason to sin more, I just didn't do anything. Good or bad.
Around the same time that I had started to struggle my parents felt the call to missions. I was the only one in the family who was against leaving. But I kept it to myself. In May we moved down to Louisiana, where the mission base is. Still unhappy I started to wonder if I could really help myself. Something started to change in me then, but I didn't do anything.
Why I didn't do anything confuses me, so it will probably sound confusing to you too.
On my top 10 hate list, I absolutely hate hypocrites. So even though I wanted to believe in God, I did not want to be a hypocrite. So I stayed in my land of confused darkness. What finaly made me take that flying leap of faith was not the actual camp but the staff retreat. For Faith Camp I was a part of staff, and a month before all the staff got together.
I was standing in the semi-darkness, it was Praise and Worship time. All the songs seemed to be centered around forgiveness and God's love (imagine that.) All of the sudden I felt pulled to my knees. Down there I finally said it, I said "Jesus I don't care about me any more. I give myself to you. Me, worthless, dirty and sinful. I give you my life, my body and soul."
I said that over and over again, then this wonderful peace came over me. And I was so happy!
It wasn't really Faith Camp that changed me, although Faith Camp has built me up greatly. But if I had not been on staff, I would not be sharing this story with you.
Pics are coming soon!